Beauty?

I waited for you today, but you didn't show. I needed you today, so where did you go? You told me to call; you said you'd be there. And though I haven't seen you, are you still there? I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side, so I'll hold tight to what I know. You're here and I'm never alone. And though I can not see you, and I can't explain why; such a deep, deep reassurance you've placed in my life. We cannot separate because you're part of me, and though you're invisible, I'll trust the unseen.

I miss feeling loved by something higher. I miss the feeling of peace that I had when I was younger, when I was able to put faith in something wholeheartedly, to never doubt myself, or my god. To be able to sing out, to cry to someone higher, and know that that calm would soon rush over me, would take care of me when even the people I loved most weren't quite able to do so. I know it's terrible that I've turned my back on faith, on religion, but for some reason, there's nothing that motivates me to go back. The way I see it, if there was a god, he wouldn't put me through all this. He wouldn't make me suffer. Wouldn't let me suffer. But then again, I must be here for a reason, I have to be. Because why else would I have such a constant longing to help people? To want to be that shoulder to cry on, even when it's denied, even when it's pushed away and turned against. And I know that even if that happens, I still have that burning in my heart to never give up. To never turn my back on those people that I love. Maybe that's what whoever this ..being is, that everyone calls god, maybe that's what he does. Maybe I'm taking on the qualities of that god. For as long as I can remember, I've been involved in a familiar church, with people I grew up with, or a new church when I moved, or just church activities that I've always been involved in. I used to be so into it, pouring myself into it, and enjoying it. But now, I still go to church every Sunday, but it's just like a ritual. It's just going through the motions, and even if I sit and listen intently, I take nothing from it. Does that make me a terrible person? Will I go to 'hell' if there is such a place? I don't want that, there is no way I want that. But even still, that risk doesn't push me enough to want to put faith in anything enough to actually fully do it. Ugh.

And for fuck's sake, I need something to believe in now more than ever. When I feel like my life is falling apart, when I hate everything about myself, when I can't hardly look at myself without wanting to step on a scale to see how much weight I've gained and hate myself more. It's like I crave more self-loathing, like I thrive on it. Because it's something to work towards, no matter how much it harms my body. It's that urge to starve for just one more day, the urge to lose just a few more pounds, always wanting to lose just two more pounds, just three more, just five more, just ten more. I want my body to waste away, I want things to shut down so that my body deteriorates, eats itself away to be skinnier, tinier. Everyone tells me I'm tiny all the time, that I don't need to lose any weight, that my body is perfect. Maybe it is. Maybe it DOES look good. But it's not good enough for ME. It will never be good enough for me, in my eyes. I want to be model thin, back in the day when it was considered beautiful for every bone to stick out, for limbs to look stick thin, breakable at any moment. It's just beautiful, to me. It's perfection in my eyes. And something that I will always strive for. I love when people tell me I'm thin, it makes me feel pretty. Don't get me wrong, I like it. And it does help. It makes me feel as though something I'm doing is working. But at the same time, it pushes me to want to become MORE perfect, more pretty. Oh well, I suppose I'll have to keep trying.

To my sister;;

i hope you know how bitter your name is, and that that it's always on the tip of my tongue. you're a bad breakup, you're my favorite song on a scratched up record. the most beautiful girl, looking down into a shattered mirror, all i can see of myself are scattered pieces. i wouldn't recognize this girl as myself, on a second glance. and like a mirror, the pieces never quite fit back together right. you're my childhood lullaby, sung just out of key. just enough to ruin something perfect, something soothing, something that calms me out of my tears. we do it so we can feel, so we can take control. your drug of choice is the taste of your insides, mine is the pictures i draw on my own, personal canvas. something that will last, they're marks of ourselves. we know it's killing us, but it's so beautiful. you do know you're dying, don't you?

we layed there, and the rain was spitting itself out at my window, two different views. it calmed you down, soothed you to sleep, it kept me up, made me cry. but i watched you lie still, slid my hand into yours, and counted your breaths. i watched your body shiver, and twitch, in your sleep, watched words form on your lips as you murmured in your sleep that you loved me too. somewhere in the back of your dead asleep mind, you heard me say it. you just wanted to let me know you weren't ignoring it, even subconsciously.

we walked around town like we owned the place, walked the halls of the old school, didn't take anything from anyone. we talked back to those of authority, didn't care what people thought as we walked around like we were lovers. because somewhere, in some strange way, we were. we held each other in bed, kept each other warm, whispered in each others ears "i love you'' and that all would be okay. we were lovers. no, we weren't in love. we weren't lovers. we were best friends. we were sisters. we were inseparable.

or, at least, i thought so?

now your name carves holes into my flesh, writes words onto my skin. it prevents food from entering my lips, pulls hair from my head, bites every nail down to it's bleeding point. it pinches, and punches bruises onto my legs. it's killing me, it's tearing me apart. it's making me someone i never wanted to be again. does it hurt you to know that you've betrayed me? just like so many before you, you've taken words i've entrusted in you, and thrown them aside like they were crumpled up letters. like they were letters i wrote you, that needed to be tossed out, because they reminded you too much of yourself. i scared you away. and now i can only hope you'll heal in time, without me holding your hand, i hope you'll be able to cross the street by yourself, and make it to the other side alive.

just know, i loved you then, and i love you now.

It's just heartburn.

It makes my heart hurt. Don't tell me you doubt that I love you. Don't even HINT towards it. Don't try and drill it into my heart, it fucking kills me. It cuts out chunks of my heart, and throws them in a blender.



Fuck it.

Don't play games with me, I'm a sore loser, and I always make the game less fun.

Maybe when the circus comes, I'll buy you bubble gum.

Just the thought of your touch makes me crazy, the mere thought of you leaving, you leaving me, breaks my heart. I'm honestly at a loss for words when I try to imagine life without true love. It's human nature to fall for people, I've fallen before, I've fallen hard before. But in the short amount of time that I've been down after falling, it's never been this impossible to get back up.

I understand that fights are inevitable, but when the arguing flares up, I can't deal with it. I spin into fits of rage, and jealousy, and anxiety. It's physically impossible for me to deal with it in a healthy way, and the way it all stays so tense for the rest of the day, sometimes more, it kills me. I don't understand why I let it happen. I can't help that I'm jealous, and short tempered. But it hurts me that after all you've said, you have such a short fuse for me. I know sometimes It's hard to understand where I'm coming from, because where I come from is sometimes a place, a level you've never seen.

I know that I'm hard to handle at times, I know that I'm selfish, and crazy, and to sum it all up, a bitch. I know that, I'm aware. I judge everyone I come across, 80% of the time, negatively. I mean, I hated you at first. I hated the way you treated me, wanted nothing to do with you. Snap judgement. It's practically my profession. I don't always know how to act, upon meeting people. I'm socially awkward, I'm just generally a not good person, I've been told. But what I appreciate is that you're changing that about me. Most of the time, at least. When I get mad, we both get mad, generally. New things get brought up, and we both get caught up in being so stubborn that neither of us give in. And then we're both assholes. You never admit it, but you know you're a bitch to me sometimes ;). And I'm scared that eventually the fighting will tear us apart. And I know that's something we've talked about, and I know that's something you DON'T want to hear, but it's a fear that I honestly do have. Right up there with clowns and orange. And when you tell me to just, not get mad...you don't seem to understand that it's not that easy. It really isn't. But I'm working on it. Because that fear overpowers everything.

I don't really know how the next year will play out, how much I'll see you, how well everything will hold up. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it to sound bad. I'm just scared of distance, because distance hurts my heart. I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but really, it just tears mine up. I just have so much I want to pour out to you. It's tough to even think of it all. But I'm trying to be honest with you, and help you understand ME. Understand where I come from on everything I say, everything I do, all of my reactions to things. I want to like, list thigns for you. Like, lists of my fears, lists of things that have changed me, people. But I couldn't. I'm just trying not to let you know how scared I am to lose you.

You just said this;
"but if youre just being honest, then i guess i have no choice to figure out what you really think of me :/"
And I told you it wasn't really about you, but now that you said that, I'm gonna tell you about you. Tell you how I feel about you. Good and bad. So here goes.

I'll start off with the fact that I've never met anyone so amazing, so inspiring? almost. I've never been so in love, never knew it was possible. You're a phenomonal person, an artist, and a poet. You're perfect. And the reason you're perfect isn't because you don't have flaws, but it's in the fact that you don't hide them. You lay out your cards, and you're not afraid to show me the real you. No one has ever been straight up REAL with me. I've always been fed sugarcoated versions of the truth, and that's not what you're all about. I'm not saying that you don't make me mad, because sometimes you do. You occasionally have a short temper with me, and it's frustrating. You don't always take things that I say in the way I intend on you taking them. And that makes things get blown out of proportion. But no matter what, it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, you're my perfection.


I really don't have a whole lot left to say.
So, for now, I'm done.
And I love you.

I'm nothing special, I'm not model pretty, I don't have some crazy amazing body, I'm not really good at anything. I'm short, really self concious, and even more socially awkward. But to be completely honest, I'm pretty happy with my life, I'm not gonna lie. I have a boyfriend who accepts that I'm not a perfect 10, a family who supports me like crazy, and friends who can always make me smile, no matter what the situation.

I've recently stumbled upon a girl that I guess I've known for a while, and her life is showing me how grateful I am for the one I live. She happens to be dating one of my best friends, and it hurts me to see what she's doing to him, and her family. She has an ex boyfriend, named Zac. The thing is, Zac doesn't really understand that they're broken up, led on in part by the fact that she never really told him. He, in turn, wants to literally kill John, the current boyfriend. Zac has everyone in cotrol, he even controls her parents to the point where she can't go anywhere without his permission. Her parents have to watch her call him, and ask if it's okay. Everyone involved in the situation is getting hurt, all because of a gigantic misunderstanding.


Anyway.
I love my life, yeah, it has it's ups and downs, but for the most part, I've been dealt some pretty fucking good cards.

I mean, yeah, I get scared about things a lot, concerning my future, but that's normal. Big steps are scary, they're something big to deal with.

I'm bored of writing.

Love.

I want to wake up next to him every single morning, I want to kiss his face every moment of my existance. I was born to tell him I love him, and live in perfection with him forever. I dreamed, when I was little, of my wedding. I would act it out every single day, when I played with Barbies. I imagined the man I would fall in love with, far in my future, to be tall and able to just devour me in a hug. As I grew older, I began to find interest in boys, outside of my fantasy groom. I started to notice those certain boys when I would go to the mall with friends, and eventually, it went to the point of meeting, and dating them. The first awkward kiss, it was the best moment of my life, every single time. That first kiss with those boys sent a chill down my spine, made me want to rewind time and make it perfect.

Farther down the line, farther went my limits. When kissing and holding hands turned into creeping fingers, and clothes coming off, that's when I found those feelings, those feelings that during that passionate, hot moment, nothing really matters but that one person. That that moment can give you such a false sense of reality, a false sense of emotion, almost.

So many people don't realize that everything comes down to love. I mean, when you imagine your life, what do you think? Because as far as I know, most people think of it as some sort of scenario like this;

They'll live their adolecsence, go through the dating stages, the awkward kisses, the harsh breakups, the rebounds, and everything that goes along with that. Eventually they will meet the person of their dreams, and know at that moment that they want to spend the rest of their life with that person. Eventually they will settle down and get married, and have children, if that's how they want to live. If that marraige goes successfully, they'll live through the fights, and the inevitable things that come along with marraige. If it fails, then comes divorce. And if they fall in love with someone else, it begins again.

So really, life comes down to love. Life comes down to whether or not you find love, whether or not you pursue that love, and no matter who you are, that's how it will go. I don't care if you're ugly, gorgeous, fat, skinny, or anything else. That's how it will go.

I have devoted my life to love, and I know how I want my life to play out. I know the face I want to wake up next to every morning, I know the person I want to grow old with, and have children with, and be in love with. It's a scary thought, though, because who knows if it will play out like that? All I know is that that's all I want in life. He is all I want in life.


To end this, I'll just say that I fucking love you, with all my heart. I don't know if you'll end up reading this, but if you do, I want you to know that I will fight through anything to be with you. Because you are my fucking everything. Every moment I've spent with you is fresh in my mind, and every touch, every kiss, every emotion I've ever felt? That is all I want. I want nothing more than I want you in my life. Nothing more than to live out my childhood, Barbie fantasy with you. I want to wake up next to you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Gross.

I'm getting sick of the human race.


I hate people, I hate emotions, I hate raw passion.





I'm getting sick of everything.
Life in general.













Prove me wrong. Show me that there's something more. Do something for me, surprise me, make me smile, make me fall back in love with the world. Find a way to transform me into a naive little girl again. Before fighting, when friends were just there for you. Before sex, when relationships and love were simplistic holding of hands. Before death, when me, my friends, and my family, were invincible. Before I learned that things aren't simple. That feelings can hurt. To be honest, I'm looking back on my life, and deciding that from here on out, I'm going to attempt to block my ENTIRE past from my memory. I never went upstairs with him, he never raped me. None of them did. My life wasn't torn apart by something that should have been so beautiful, it wasn't ruined. I never got pregnant, by someone who, in retrospect, didn't love me as much as he said he did. I never LOST that baby. I was never beaten, never slapped, never yelled at, never pushed down stairs, never shoved against walls, never punched, never abused. I was never a victim, of anything i didn't deserve. I've never felt like I disappointed my parents before, I've never had my heart broken, I never broke anyones heart. Maybe if all of that is blocked from my mind, it wont affect what I have now. Maybe if you see this, you'll understand more of where I'm coming from with things sometimes. Maybe you'll hate me after you read it, realize that i'm a mess. But, from the way I see it, I'm just human. I'm just raw emotion. And I don't know who I'm trying to kid by saying it all meant nothing. By saying it never happened. By saying it will EVER leave the back of my mind.


No one has had any reason to hurt me, to choose ME to be the subject of their infliction. And no one has ever been able to deal with everything I've been through. I hope you can. I hope it can be understood that you can't yell at me. And you can't try to intimidate me. And you can't put your hands on my eyes and say 'Guess Who!" because it scares me. And you can't do so many things. I hope I'm worth it.



I'm a disgusting person, to be honest. But I'm trying SO hard to make myself beautiful again, inside and out. And the only reason I have to keep trying, is you. And I hope you know that. I hope you know you're the only reason I don't see it all happening again.

HEY, BITCH.

You are a cold-hearted, shallow, lying bitch. I don't know you, nor do I ever wish to know you. I hope you know you've ruined someone's life, torn someone's heart out. And I hope you feel fucking horrible for it.

I can only imagine how that someone is feeling right now, and from what I can imagine? I wouldn't wish that feeling upon even my worst enemy. My heart is breaking over what you've done, over the thought that someone could be so cruel. I have to commend you, though. You played him well. You did an amazing job at leading him on. I mean, I have no doubt that you had real feelings for him, believe me, you couldn't fake it that well. But the thought that you would just, fucking break through his ribs, and rip his heart out like that. THAT'S the part I can't comprehend. You couldn't have loved him that much, if you did that.

I know that if I ever did anything like that to my boyfriend, the only person I can completely trust with my life, I would never be able to live with myself. Do you fucking realize that you have not only ruined his emotional life, but that you may have put a fucking felony on him? Do you realize what the FUCK YOU'VE DONE?! How could you...oh my god, girl. I don't know you, I've never even spoken to you, and yet you've left a most bitter taste in my mouth. You've turned my stomach, made me sick. And I despise you. You've hurt MY heart, with the concept that the human race has become such a horrible, hurtful, decieving, kniving thing. You are a fucking dispicable human being.

I can honestly say, if it weren't for the love and trust I feel for my boyfriend, and that I can only trust that he feels for me, I would have given up on the concepts of truth and love a long time ago. I had a dream last night, and it was, oddly enough, played out with dolls. I don't know why, I dream really weird. But, in my dream, there was so much deception. I couldn't tell you specifics, because I can hardly remember, but I just remember waking up shaken by the dream. All I remember was things being stolen, and people crying. I guess in my subconcsious mind, I predicted something was going to happen today. Who knows. I just wish something would happen to instill the feeling of REAL love into everyone. I want everyone to have someone, for the pure reason that I want nothing like this to EVER happen to anyone.

And believe me, girl. If I ever come across you, if I ever meet you, [which, i REALLY hope I don't, by the way.] you will severely regret what you've done. Because I will drill it into you how horribly you've fucked up someone's life. And how terrible what you've done is. I hardly know the person you hurt, and maybe I just have too big of a heart, and shouldn't care at all! Maybe none of this is my business. But the moment I heard what you did, it became my fucking business. And I have never been so disgusted with someone in my life. Keep that feeling on your conscience forever, never let what you've done go. And most of all, rot in hell, you wretched whore.

Ew.

Jealousy's a bitch. Especially when it can't even be put into words. When I can't even describe why I'm jealous. I just know that for some reason, something about this is making me uncomfortable. And I don't like it. I don't like the concept of you going off. I don't ;laskjdf know why. Ugh. It makes my heart hurt, it makes my insides do that thing where it feels like everything is shifting to the side a little bit. And as I'm laying here in my bed, I can't help but have this awful feeling in my stomach. I can't help but hold on to this dizzying emotion that can't even be named. It can't even be classified. Blah, blah, blah. I just needed to get it out. And now I'm done.







Just don't judge me.

The truth is...

It's just you and me.
And I'm so okay with that.
You are the air I breathe,
you are the beat to my heart.

Breathe Electric

There was a ghostly figure standing, maybe hovering, at the end of my bed. I asked her name, she didn't reply. I saw her lips move, but no words escaped her parched lips. I never knew of such beauty until last night, until the moment that I saw that figure, that passionate shape she layed out in front of me. I watched as she made her way close to me, leaned her face so close to mine that I could feel her invisible breath going into my lungs with every gasp. I knew if I made a move she was leave, I laid there still taking in every silent word. Every beautiful morsel of seduction that escaped her mouth.

Breathe electric, breathe electric, breathe electric.
Breathe electric, breathe electric, breathe electric.
Breathe electric, breathe electric, breathe electric.
Breathe electric, breathe electric, breathe electric.

Take in as much as you can, breathe electric.
Let it shock you from the inside, breathe electric.
Feel the sparks ignite you, breathe electric.

Breathe electric, breathe electric, breathe electric.
Breathe electric, breathe electric, breathe electric.

Put it out, put it out, put it outttt.
Take in as much oxygen as you can take in, let it out. That's right, let it all out till you're gasping for air. That wonderful negative energy, let it take you over, let it consume you with that all knowing, seductive smile.


Let it take over.

































breathe electric

Since we're on the subject of dreams;

I didn't wake up in a cold sweat due to my dream.

I woke up quite content, quite happy, and quite excited for 'dream predictions'.
When I fell asleep, I didn't feel too amazing, kind of stomach ache-y and headache-y and stuff, so upon falling asleep I had a couple really weird dreams. For the first half of my night, I dreamt that I was writing lyrics, about someone, but I don't remember who. Sad thing is, they were amazing. It's horribly sad that I can only be so poetic in my sleep, and upon waking up, can't remember. Anyway. So I was in this church, and for some reason at some point of the dream, I was told to skin these ferret things but they were cats. And 'they' [I can't remember who 'they' was.] kept calling them North American....somethings? Who knows. And so I went around skinning these things, and for some reason, I didn't put up a fight, despite my normal anti hurting animals sentiment.

OK so eventually that dream died off, I don't really remember any in-between time.

Then it was a completely separate dream.

So Stevey came over, to visittt, of course. And my parents were all like, in love with him and stuff, because they finally had a happy, contently relationship-ed daughter. Details aren't necessary, but there was a lot of kissing, and a lot of .. kissing. Like I said. Details aren't necessary. Then Stevey met all my friends, and liked them, of course. Idk, there isn't much to say, about this dream, it's much how I expect his actual visit to go. So I won't spoil future stories, and I'll end it here=)

Blah.

I wish I could prove myself better. I wish I knew how to make everyone realize my aspirations in life, and take them serious. Even if they are unrealistic. I want to be a model. I want to be taller, I want to be skinnier, I want to have perfect hair, and skin, and everything. I want to be wanted. I want to have the beauty to be vain. Sorry if that's bad.

I wish I had a lot of money, so I could buy a nice camera, so I could travel, and spoil my friends, and I wish I could just feel good about myself.

A day in my shoes would be so shocking to most of the people who love me most, who think they know me best. The daily thought processes, that never go away. Those things that won't go away, the constant decision of whether or not to eat today, or a decision of whether or not today will be the day I just leave home. My faking of vanity, pretending I'm beautiful to try and make myself seem that way. The fact that I constantly compare myself to every beautiful girl I see, pick apart everything on my body until I despise it all. I think every day about all the people I've hurt in my life, about all the people who have hurt me. I hate what I've been through. And I know that people say to learn from hardship in your life, but I just don't buy it. It doesnt work that way. It doesn't go away, it doesn't help me make decisions, it does nothing but rot around in my brain and hurt.

Oh well.
You learn to cope with constant pain, and grasp onto the few things in life that make it seem worth it.

Blah, evening.

And my will subsiding, and my soul's inviting, the spirit of your love. That's when I know I'm alive, when I feel your heart beating beside me. And even if Heaven weren't real, I'd still live my every day the same.

Walk in circles, falling deeper into oblivion, deeper into insanity.
We spin around, play the same old games back and forth, like before.
You stare me down, tell me I'm beautiful, I spin you around, tell you I'm in love with you.
You push me down, you kiss me, I could play this game all day, all night long.
You are my every breath, you are my every day, every star in my night sky.

I'm sick of this distance, the closeness is killing me. Every thought of seeing you so soon, hurts my heart because I know that 'soon' isn't today. Soon isn't now.

"Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds, we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you, I remind myself of how lucky I am to have someone to miss."

You won't too soon forget me, I wont let it happen.
You own my heart, you own my everything, you are my everything.






UHMMMMMM
So, I'm watching Project Runway, and sitting here with my parents and my aminals. In a bit I'm going out with David, for dinner or something. UGH I'm so hungry.


And bored, so I'll put up pictures that I like

To you

S,
To explain to you everything you've done in my life would be a ridiculous thought, as would it be nearly impossible. To say how much you've changed me for the better, how much you've stuck by me, would be unnecessary even. But I'll try anyway. You're the ease of a lazy Saturday morning, you're the beauty of the most perfect song. You're everything good, with amazing intentions. You've stolen every inch of my heart, you've taken over my life, my song, my every day. You give me a reason to wake up each morning, even if you don't wake up til hours later ;] You make life seem worth living. You make things seem good.


You're the smell of the rain, and every song I wish to sing.
Stepped out of a dream, walked into a rainy day, you cleared away the clouds.

Love, M.

Consistency.

I look for comfort in harm. I try to drink away my problems, hurt myself to the point where all the other problems kind of fade back into the distance. I don't mean to do it, it's second nature. No, it's not as bad as before, and yes, I have help now. But, that doesn't mean its not easy to slip back into those habits.


There are only a few things, a few people, who truely make me feel alive, anymore.
The people who don't give a shit about my imperfections, who don't care that I'm not picture perfect when I wake up, that I get cranky at night, and confess way too much love to take in when I'm drunk. Those are the people who I'll keep around, ha.

There's a person, I met him god knows how long ago, who I recently started talking to again. Quite possibly the most poetic person I've ever met, the most bluntly honest person I will ever meet. I found, from so long ago. I was lurking around one of his pages the other day, and stumbled across this;

"Cherry Blossom,
Promise me you won't every cry over me.
You are the only one who I wish I could talk to."

and i missed him.
I missed the way we talked, so poetic, all the time. And yet I never felt any pressure to be anything other than myself. Do NOT get me wrong, I'm not saying any of you now do. I'm just saying that, he was unlike anyone I had ever met. So fascinating in every way. Such aesthetic perfection, such insight into everything. I don't remember what happened between us, but over the days we just lost touch.

A few days ago, he IM'd me.
It was a little shocking, and I was slightly taken back by the whole ordeal. Mostly because I couldn't remember what I'd done to ruin whatever relationship we'd had.
I don't know.
If you're reading this, I'm here with open arms, and an open heart.
There's always room for you.


Anyway, I'm hungover.
Hypocrisy at it's best, huh.


breathe in the sunshine,
make it last as the shades fall closed.
don't let the sun set on me,
don't let the stars take over.
the sun casts such a beautiful glow on my skin
such a perfect shine on your life.

Hey, come back to me.

Hey, come back to me,
baby come back to me.

youarebeautiful

The perfection in the most imperfect seeming things, is astounding.

True Beauty.

Beauty (n) A quality or feature that is most effective, gratifying, or telling: The beauty of the venture is that we stand to lose nothing.




I met a girl once. Her name was Kristen, Kristen Nicole. And, upon meeting her, I have to say, all I saw was your typical party girl. She was beautiful. Not necessarily conventional, traditional beauty, but she was beautiful. Light blue eyes, blonde hair, completely original. She wasn't small, but she wore her weight well. Suffice to say, she was just, beautiful. We began to talk a lot, and she frequently came to the house I was living at to party. We'd drink together, end up passed out on floors together, we smoked together a few times, drugged ourselves up. The usual routine. This went on for a while, the house dissolved, people went their separate ways. We didn't talk again for a while, until one day when I came across her at a show in the city.

We got to talking, and became really close. One day, we went to Denny's together for coffee. It was around 3:00 in the afternoon. We got to talking about our lives. We talked about everything, love, religion, sex, everything. At some point, we both began to get tired. I looked at my phone, and it was 5:00 in the morning. So I just went back to her house. We had a couple beers, then fell asleep.

This girl and I became the most amazing friends. She knew everything about me, my past, relationships, family, she knew every freckle on my body, every imperfection, every one of my fears. I spent every single day with her, we'd go to countless shows, worked on building up our company, just lived. Just thinking about her, I can't help but cry, can't help but think about how amazing she was. Kristen was one of the deepest girls I had ever met, with strong views on everything. I remember the day she came back from Cornerstone, and she had a completely new outlook on life. Her life became centered around God, and she was not ashamed that everyone knew. She would tell the world, if she could. She carried this book around with her. In it was every thought she had, drawings, bible verses, quotes from friends, to do lists, everything she came across the meant anything to her, went in the book. I've never met a more devoted, loving, insightful girl in my entire life. Every second I spent with her, I loved just soaking in her words, the love that she radiated. Her strong convictions about life, and love.


She was so accepting of everyone, the first to make conversation to anyone we saw that seemed lonely, or even just lacking in love in their life. She would sit down, tell them about God, show them her book, tell them her whole life story. She was amazing.

Through her life, she went through a stage where she would drink constantly, and it led her to a dark place. Unable to cope with life, she cut her skin so deep that she was in and out of the hospital weekly, with a new gash being stitched up. Going in her room, you could see dried blood everywhere, pillows, on the carpet, even on the book that she so loved. She displayed her scars for the world to see, but it was obvious that it wasn't for attention. After going through that faze, she took it as a lesson. She had a tattoo of a rose on her wrist, and she explained that the scars were merely thorns on her body. They weren't pretty, but they protected her. They let her know, constantly, that no matter what life threw at her, the worst was over. Her God would take care of her. She wanted everyone to know her story, wanted everyone to know that they could make it out alive. She used everything as a lesson, her scars were simply one more tool she could use to help people. One more way that she could show the world that she loved them.

To this day, I am yet to find such an amazing human being, such a compassionate, deep, insightful, beautiful person. I wish that there were more people like her, but maybe that's what makes her so amazing. The fact that she's slowly trying to make the world a better place, in a way that no one else ever has.

Ugh, ugh, & ugh.

I'm stupidddd, and I don't know why I choose to get upset about the weirdest things. Jealous of the worst things to get jealous of. It honestly doesn't even make sense. Fuckin' titss.

?!

Wake up, shy world of emotion, learn to speak to us, learn to sing your morning song. Tell me why you beckon forth so smoothly, let me know what you're thinking when you deny me of my hopes and dreams. Breathe electricity, into your metallic, conductive soul. Crack open dry veins and sing of emotions you've never felt. Tell the world your stories, we're all dying to hear every word you speak. Open doors to lives unlived, make love to the dreams of people you'll never meet. Defy the laws of truth, lie to those who make you feel like life is not worth living. I want to watch you bleed peices of mirrors, I want you to see hints of reflection of who you're becoming. I wish for things to happen, I wouldn't wish the things on my mind upon even my worst enemy. When imperfection is key, when truth is obsolete, thats when your day will end. Come back to life, come back to me and show me what you've wanted to for so long.

Hey, I try.

I hate being tickled, and I hate the thought, and sound, and everything, of fingernails on a peice of paper.


I feel alive. I feel electricity coming to the tip of every finger, and every toe. Sometimes I ask too many questions, sometimes I sing a little too loud.

I wish I had the voice, the poetic skill, to make your heart melt, and your hair curl. I want to be able to grab onto your heart, from a thousand miles away, I want to step into your life and learn to walk a day in your shoes.

I cut open your lungs and found a key.
It was the key to my heart, the key you
breathed in deep so that no one else could
read the scars on my heart,
so that no one else could have a chance to
break in.


i put the key back, and forever it will stay there.

Random thought.

I want to be stranded on a desert island with Stevey for a couple days.
As long as we have a fridge and a laptop.
Yeah, that would be pretty cool.

Lists.

I really like the word clavicle. That's pretty much it on that subject.

Things to do before I die:
- Get married.
- My Riley Joy.
- Travel to Ireland, and Paris.
- Be famous.
- Learn to make better lists.

Things that make me happy:
- Stevey.
- My animals.
- Good music.
- Dancing.
- My phone/texting.
- Steak n' Shake.
- Sex.
- Cigarettes.
- Nakedness.
- I dunno, lots of other things.

Stevey:
A list of miniscule things could never do justice to how the heart feels. How it explodes with happiness, how it breaks with every goodnight. A list can't say "I love you", a list can't say "I would die for you". A list could never express how much I love his words, his thoughts, his antics. Couldn't show any emotion. And when I think of something like this, the only thing possible is just to be flooded with emotion.

Random facts:
- I get cold really easily, and I stay cold for a long time.
- I'm touchy.
- I like being picked up, but hate being surprised.
- I need a car of my own.
'- And a license.
- I hate getting too warm, because it makes me nauseus.
- I don't like it when my dad yells, it makes me cry.
- My eyes hurt.

<3.

What the fuck.

"I didn't invent rainy days,
I just have the best umbrella"

Take a deep breath and listen to me for a few minutes.
This is nothing new, nothing you've never heard before.
Your typical story, typical dead girl found on the side of the road.
Drenched in blood, and dripping dried sweat, beaded and caked onto her skin.
You've seen her before, she was nothing special.
Averagely dressed, moderately nice body, nothing special. Nothing you couldn't
see walking down the streets of any major city.

Nobody expected to find her dead,
nobody expected to find her indsides displayed
across the ditch, nintey miles from her house.

Perhaps she pushed him too far, maybe denied him what he wanted.
Maybe it was nothing more than cold hearted joyride.
Who knows.
I sure as hell don't.

Maybe she would be prom queen, maybe she would be behind the scenes.
No, she wasn't pretty enough, wasn't popular enough to be prom queen.
Maybe she would have done it herself, had he not gotten around to it.
No, she didn't have the guts the be so irrational.
All I know is what was in front of us.

She was average.
Nothing special.
she was going nowhere in life.
and we all knew it.



Bad things happen to good people. And they completely deserve it. I mean come on, what will you earn getting though life by sucking up to people, by kissing peoples' asses? I'll tell you, you'll get a sour taste in your mouth. Pardon the potential gross connection you may have just made. I swear to you, I try to be nice. I try to do the right thing, and stuff. But sorry, it's NOT that easy. I like being illegal, I like being rude and loud and mean. I like to fight, I like to swear and spit and be as unlady like as possible. I don't listen to authority, I fight back. I yell back. Being nice, gets you nothing. Here's what you need to learn. Just find love. Find someone who will accept you for what you are. For me? It's someone full of as much lust, love, passion, and nicotine as I am. It's the one who comes back after countless mistakes, namely one. Its the one who makes life better, it's the one who fucks up my sleeping pattern. I like someone who starts to control my life, someone who knows me inside and out. Knows what makes me tick, and uses it to his advantage. I'll deny it, but I love it when he makes me mad. I love it when he pushes my buttons, and pisses me off. Whatever, maybe it's just me.

I also really like being difficult.
But anyone could tell you that.

I don't like myself, but I'm the most vain person you'll ever meet. I thrive off of making myself beautiful, and soaking in compliments, but I've realized that once they sink too far into my mind, they become nothing. Just shallow words meaning nothing at all. I mean, who's to say that I'm any more or less beautiful than anyone else? So, for someone who puts so much into being beautiful, I know I could never be prom queen, I could never take home any pageant awards, never be Miss Universe, Miss America, hell, Miss Small Town in Missouri. So I don't know why I keep trying so hard. But, I won't stop. I don't know.

"A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful." -Karl Kraus

I like to be pushed, I like to be pushed around and told what to do. I want to be something new, a new experience. I want to be what you want me to be, take it or leave it. I want to be beautiful, but not conventionally beautiful. I want to be everything that's impossible to acheive, and prove your standards wrong. I want to learn to like people, too. Because I hate people. I don't like girls, we're bitches, and we ruin lives. I don't like boys they hurt my heart. Thats the good thing about finding someone who loves me. As long as my heart doesnt hurt, then there's one boy who I'll like. I'll stick around. I have nothing more to say, so fuck you.