It makes my heart hurt. Don't tell me you doubt that I love you. Don't even HINT towards it. Don't try and drill it into my heart, it fucking kills me. It cuts out chunks of my heart, and throws them in a blender.
Fuck it.
Don't play games with me, I'm a sore loser, and I always make the game less fun.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Maybe when the circus comes, I'll buy you bubble gum.
Just the thought of your touch makes me crazy, the mere thought of you leaving, you leaving me, breaks my heart. I'm honestly at a loss for words when I try to imagine life without true love. It's human nature to fall for people, I've fallen before, I've fallen hard before. But in the short amount of time that I've been down after falling, it's never been this impossible to get back up.
I understand that fights are inevitable, but when the arguing flares up, I can't deal with it. I spin into fits of rage, and jealousy, and anxiety. It's physically impossible for me to deal with it in a healthy way, and the way it all stays so tense for the rest of the day, sometimes more, it kills me. I don't understand why I let it happen. I can't help that I'm jealous, and short tempered. But it hurts me that after all you've said, you have such a short fuse for me. I know sometimes It's hard to understand where I'm coming from, because where I come from is sometimes a place, a level you've never seen.
I know that I'm hard to handle at times, I know that I'm selfish, and crazy, and to sum it all up, a bitch. I know that, I'm aware. I judge everyone I come across, 80% of the time, negatively. I mean, I hated you at first. I hated the way you treated me, wanted nothing to do with you. Snap judgement. It's practically my profession. I don't always know how to act, upon meeting people. I'm socially awkward, I'm just generally a not good person, I've been told. But what I appreciate is that you're changing that about me. Most of the time, at least. When I get mad, we both get mad, generally. New things get brought up, and we both get caught up in being so stubborn that neither of us give in. And then we're both assholes. You never admit it, but you know you're a bitch to me sometimes ;). And I'm scared that eventually the fighting will tear us apart. And I know that's something we've talked about, and I know that's something you DON'T want to hear, but it's a fear that I honestly do have. Right up there with clowns and orange. And when you tell me to just, not get mad...you don't seem to understand that it's not that easy. It really isn't. But I'm working on it. Because that fear overpowers everything.
I don't really know how the next year will play out, how much I'll see you, how well everything will hold up. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it to sound bad. I'm just scared of distance, because distance hurts my heart. I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but really, it just tears mine up. I just have so much I want to pour out to you. It's tough to even think of it all. But I'm trying to be honest with you, and help you understand ME. Understand where I come from on everything I say, everything I do, all of my reactions to things. I want to like, list thigns for you. Like, lists of my fears, lists of things that have changed me, people. But I couldn't. I'm just trying not to let you know how scared I am to lose you.
You just said this;
"but if youre just being honest, then i guess i have no choice to figure out what you really think of me :/"
And I told you it wasn't really about you, but now that you said that, I'm gonna tell you about you. Tell you how I feel about you. Good and bad. So here goes.
I'll start off with the fact that I've never met anyone so amazing, so inspiring? almost. I've never been so in love, never knew it was possible. You're a phenomonal person, an artist, and a poet. You're perfect. And the reason you're perfect isn't because you don't have flaws, but it's in the fact that you don't hide them. You lay out your cards, and you're not afraid to show me the real you. No one has ever been straight up REAL with me. I've always been fed sugarcoated versions of the truth, and that's not what you're all about. I'm not saying that you don't make me mad, because sometimes you do. You occasionally have a short temper with me, and it's frustrating. You don't always take things that I say in the way I intend on you taking them. And that makes things get blown out of proportion. But no matter what, it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, you're my perfection.
I really don't have a whole lot left to say.
So, for now, I'm done.
And I love you.
I understand that fights are inevitable, but when the arguing flares up, I can't deal with it. I spin into fits of rage, and jealousy, and anxiety. It's physically impossible for me to deal with it in a healthy way, and the way it all stays so tense for the rest of the day, sometimes more, it kills me. I don't understand why I let it happen. I can't help that I'm jealous, and short tempered. But it hurts me that after all you've said, you have such a short fuse for me. I know sometimes It's hard to understand where I'm coming from, because where I come from is sometimes a place, a level you've never seen.
I know that I'm hard to handle at times, I know that I'm selfish, and crazy, and to sum it all up, a bitch. I know that, I'm aware. I judge everyone I come across, 80% of the time, negatively. I mean, I hated you at first. I hated the way you treated me, wanted nothing to do with you. Snap judgement. It's practically my profession. I don't always know how to act, upon meeting people. I'm socially awkward, I'm just generally a not good person, I've been told. But what I appreciate is that you're changing that about me. Most of the time, at least. When I get mad, we both get mad, generally. New things get brought up, and we both get caught up in being so stubborn that neither of us give in. And then we're both assholes. You never admit it, but you know you're a bitch to me sometimes ;). And I'm scared that eventually the fighting will tear us apart. And I know that's something we've talked about, and I know that's something you DON'T want to hear, but it's a fear that I honestly do have. Right up there with clowns and orange. And when you tell me to just, not get mad...you don't seem to understand that it's not that easy. It really isn't. But I'm working on it. Because that fear overpowers everything.
I don't really know how the next year will play out, how much I'll see you, how well everything will hold up. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it to sound bad. I'm just scared of distance, because distance hurts my heart. I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but really, it just tears mine up. I just have so much I want to pour out to you. It's tough to even think of it all. But I'm trying to be honest with you, and help you understand ME. Understand where I come from on everything I say, everything I do, all of my reactions to things. I want to like, list thigns for you. Like, lists of my fears, lists of things that have changed me, people. But I couldn't. I'm just trying not to let you know how scared I am to lose you.
You just said this;
"but if youre just being honest, then i guess i have no choice to figure out what you really think of me :/"
And I told you it wasn't really about you, but now that you said that, I'm gonna tell you about you. Tell you how I feel about you. Good and bad. So here goes.
I'll start off with the fact that I've never met anyone so amazing, so inspiring? almost. I've never been so in love, never knew it was possible. You're a phenomonal person, an artist, and a poet. You're perfect. And the reason you're perfect isn't because you don't have flaws, but it's in the fact that you don't hide them. You lay out your cards, and you're not afraid to show me the real you. No one has ever been straight up REAL with me. I've always been fed sugarcoated versions of the truth, and that's not what you're all about. I'm not saying that you don't make me mad, because sometimes you do. You occasionally have a short temper with me, and it's frustrating. You don't always take things that I say in the way I intend on you taking them. And that makes things get blown out of proportion. But no matter what, it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, you're my perfection.
I really don't have a whole lot left to say.
So, for now, I'm done.
And I love you.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I'm nothing special, I'm not model pretty, I don't have some crazy amazing body, I'm not really good at anything. I'm short, really self concious, and even more socially awkward. But to be completely honest, I'm pretty happy with my life, I'm not gonna lie. I have a boyfriend who accepts that I'm not a perfect 10, a family who supports me like crazy, and friends who can always make me smile, no matter what the situation.
I've recently stumbled upon a girl that I guess I've known for a while, and her life is showing me how grateful I am for the one I live. She happens to be dating one of my best friends, and it hurts me to see what she's doing to him, and her family. She has an ex boyfriend, named Zac. The thing is, Zac doesn't really understand that they're broken up, led on in part by the fact that she never really told him. He, in turn, wants to literally kill John, the current boyfriend. Zac has everyone in cotrol, he even controls her parents to the point where she can't go anywhere without his permission. Her parents have to watch her call him, and ask if it's okay. Everyone involved in the situation is getting hurt, all because of a gigantic misunderstanding.
Anyway.
I love my life, yeah, it has it's ups and downs, but for the most part, I've been dealt some pretty fucking good cards.
I mean, yeah, I get scared about things a lot, concerning my future, but that's normal. Big steps are scary, they're something big to deal with.
I'm bored of writing.
I've recently stumbled upon a girl that I guess I've known for a while, and her life is showing me how grateful I am for the one I live. She happens to be dating one of my best friends, and it hurts me to see what she's doing to him, and her family. She has an ex boyfriend, named Zac. The thing is, Zac doesn't really understand that they're broken up, led on in part by the fact that she never really told him. He, in turn, wants to literally kill John, the current boyfriend. Zac has everyone in cotrol, he even controls her parents to the point where she can't go anywhere without his permission. Her parents have to watch her call him, and ask if it's okay. Everyone involved in the situation is getting hurt, all because of a gigantic misunderstanding.
Anyway.
I love my life, yeah, it has it's ups and downs, but for the most part, I've been dealt some pretty fucking good cards.
I mean, yeah, I get scared about things a lot, concerning my future, but that's normal. Big steps are scary, they're something big to deal with.
I'm bored of writing.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Love.
I want to wake up next to him every single morning, I want to kiss his face every moment of my existance. I was born to tell him I love him, and live in perfection with him forever. I dreamed, when I was little, of my wedding. I would act it out every single day, when I played with Barbies. I imagined the man I would fall in love with, far in my future, to be tall and able to just devour me in a hug. As I grew older, I began to find interest in boys, outside of my fantasy groom. I started to notice those certain boys when I would go to the mall with friends, and eventually, it went to the point of meeting, and dating them. The first awkward kiss, it was the best moment of my life, every single time. That first kiss with those boys sent a chill down my spine, made me want to rewind time and make it perfect.
Farther down the line, farther went my limits. When kissing and holding hands turned into creeping fingers, and clothes coming off, that's when I found those feelings, those feelings that during that passionate, hot moment, nothing really matters but that one person. That that moment can give you such a false sense of reality, a false sense of emotion, almost.
So many people don't realize that everything comes down to love. I mean, when you imagine your life, what do you think? Because as far as I know, most people think of it as some sort of scenario like this;
They'll live their adolecsence, go through the dating stages, the awkward kisses, the harsh breakups, the rebounds, and everything that goes along with that. Eventually they will meet the person of their dreams, and know at that moment that they want to spend the rest of their life with that person. Eventually they will settle down and get married, and have children, if that's how they want to live. If that marraige goes successfully, they'll live through the fights, and the inevitable things that come along with marraige. If it fails, then comes divorce. And if they fall in love with someone else, it begins again.
So really, life comes down to love. Life comes down to whether or not you find love, whether or not you pursue that love, and no matter who you are, that's how it will go. I don't care if you're ugly, gorgeous, fat, skinny, or anything else. That's how it will go.
I have devoted my life to love, and I know how I want my life to play out. I know the face I want to wake up next to every morning, I know the person I want to grow old with, and have children with, and be in love with. It's a scary thought, though, because who knows if it will play out like that? All I know is that that's all I want in life. He is all I want in life.
To end this, I'll just say that I fucking love you, with all my heart. I don't know if you'll end up reading this, but if you do, I want you to know that I will fight through anything to be with you. Because you are my fucking everything. Every moment I've spent with you is fresh in my mind, and every touch, every kiss, every emotion I've ever felt? That is all I want. I want nothing more than I want you in my life. Nothing more than to live out my childhood, Barbie fantasy with you. I want to wake up next to you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Farther down the line, farther went my limits. When kissing and holding hands turned into creeping fingers, and clothes coming off, that's when I found those feelings, those feelings that during that passionate, hot moment, nothing really matters but that one person. That that moment can give you such a false sense of reality, a false sense of emotion, almost.
So many people don't realize that everything comes down to love. I mean, when you imagine your life, what do you think? Because as far as I know, most people think of it as some sort of scenario like this;
They'll live their adolecsence, go through the dating stages, the awkward kisses, the harsh breakups, the rebounds, and everything that goes along with that. Eventually they will meet the person of their dreams, and know at that moment that they want to spend the rest of their life with that person. Eventually they will settle down and get married, and have children, if that's how they want to live. If that marraige goes successfully, they'll live through the fights, and the inevitable things that come along with marraige. If it fails, then comes divorce. And if they fall in love with someone else, it begins again.
So really, life comes down to love. Life comes down to whether or not you find love, whether or not you pursue that love, and no matter who you are, that's how it will go. I don't care if you're ugly, gorgeous, fat, skinny, or anything else. That's how it will go.
I have devoted my life to love, and I know how I want my life to play out. I know the face I want to wake up next to every morning, I know the person I want to grow old with, and have children with, and be in love with. It's a scary thought, though, because who knows if it will play out like that? All I know is that that's all I want in life. He is all I want in life.
To end this, I'll just say that I fucking love you, with all my heart. I don't know if you'll end up reading this, but if you do, I want you to know that I will fight through anything to be with you. Because you are my fucking everything. Every moment I've spent with you is fresh in my mind, and every touch, every kiss, every emotion I've ever felt? That is all I want. I want nothing more than I want you in my life. Nothing more than to live out my childhood, Barbie fantasy with you. I want to wake up next to you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Gross.
I'm getting sick of the human race.
I hate people, I hate emotions, I hate raw passion.
I'm getting sick of everything.
Life in general.
Prove me wrong. Show me that there's something more. Do something for me, surprise me, make me smile, make me fall back in love with the world. Find a way to transform me into a naive little girl again. Before fighting, when friends were just there for you. Before sex, when relationships and love were simplistic holding of hands. Before death, when me, my friends, and my family, were invincible. Before I learned that things aren't simple. That feelings can hurt. To be honest, I'm looking back on my life, and deciding that from here on out, I'm going to attempt to block my ENTIRE past from my memory. I never went upstairs with him, he never raped me. None of them did. My life wasn't torn apart by something that should have been so beautiful, it wasn't ruined. I never got pregnant, by someone who, in retrospect, didn't love me as much as he said he did. I never LOST that baby. I was never beaten, never slapped, never yelled at, never pushed down stairs, never shoved against walls, never punched, never abused. I was never a victim, of anything i didn't deserve. I've never felt like I disappointed my parents before, I've never had my heart broken, I never broke anyones heart. Maybe if all of that is blocked from my mind, it wont affect what I have now. Maybe if you see this, you'll understand more of where I'm coming from with things sometimes. Maybe you'll hate me after you read it, realize that i'm a mess. But, from the way I see it, I'm just human. I'm just raw emotion. And I don't know who I'm trying to kid by saying it all meant nothing. By saying it never happened. By saying it will EVER leave the back of my mind.
No one has had any reason to hurt me, to choose ME to be the subject of their infliction. And no one has ever been able to deal with everything I've been through. I hope you can. I hope it can be understood that you can't yell at me. And you can't try to intimidate me. And you can't put your hands on my eyes and say 'Guess Who!" because it scares me. And you can't do so many things. I hope I'm worth it.
I'm a disgusting person, to be honest. But I'm trying SO hard to make myself beautiful again, inside and out. And the only reason I have to keep trying, is you. And I hope you know that. I hope you know you're the only reason I don't see it all happening again.
I hate people, I hate emotions, I hate raw passion.
I'm getting sick of everything.
Life in general.
Prove me wrong. Show me that there's something more. Do something for me, surprise me, make me smile, make me fall back in love with the world. Find a way to transform me into a naive little girl again. Before fighting, when friends were just there for you. Before sex, when relationships and love were simplistic holding of hands. Before death, when me, my friends, and my family, were invincible. Before I learned that things aren't simple. That feelings can hurt. To be honest, I'm looking back on my life, and deciding that from here on out, I'm going to attempt to block my ENTIRE past from my memory. I never went upstairs with him, he never raped me. None of them did. My life wasn't torn apart by something that should have been so beautiful, it wasn't ruined. I never got pregnant, by someone who, in retrospect, didn't love me as much as he said he did. I never LOST that baby. I was never beaten, never slapped, never yelled at, never pushed down stairs, never shoved against walls, never punched, never abused. I was never a victim, of anything i didn't deserve. I've never felt like I disappointed my parents before, I've never had my heart broken, I never broke anyones heart. Maybe if all of that is blocked from my mind, it wont affect what I have now. Maybe if you see this, you'll understand more of where I'm coming from with things sometimes. Maybe you'll hate me after you read it, realize that i'm a mess. But, from the way I see it, I'm just human. I'm just raw emotion. And I don't know who I'm trying to kid by saying it all meant nothing. By saying it never happened. By saying it will EVER leave the back of my mind.
No one has had any reason to hurt me, to choose ME to be the subject of their infliction. And no one has ever been able to deal with everything I've been through. I hope you can. I hope it can be understood that you can't yell at me. And you can't try to intimidate me. And you can't put your hands on my eyes and say 'Guess Who!" because it scares me. And you can't do so many things. I hope I'm worth it.
I'm a disgusting person, to be honest. But I'm trying SO hard to make myself beautiful again, inside and out. And the only reason I have to keep trying, is you. And I hope you know that. I hope you know you're the only reason I don't see it all happening again.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
HEY, BITCH.
You are a cold-hearted, shallow, lying bitch. I don't know you, nor do I ever wish to know you. I hope you know you've ruined someone's life, torn someone's heart out. And I hope you feel fucking horrible for it.
I can only imagine how that someone is feeling right now, and from what I can imagine? I wouldn't wish that feeling upon even my worst enemy. My heart is breaking over what you've done, over the thought that someone could be so cruel. I have to commend you, though. You played him well. You did an amazing job at leading him on. I mean, I have no doubt that you had real feelings for him, believe me, you couldn't fake it that well. But the thought that you would just, fucking break through his ribs, and rip his heart out like that. THAT'S the part I can't comprehend. You couldn't have loved him that much, if you did that.
I know that if I ever did anything like that to my boyfriend, the only person I can completely trust with my life, I would never be able to live with myself. Do you fucking realize that you have not only ruined his emotional life, but that you may have put a fucking felony on him? Do you realize what the FUCK YOU'VE DONE?! How could you...oh my god, girl. I don't know you, I've never even spoken to you, and yet you've left a most bitter taste in my mouth. You've turned my stomach, made me sick. And I despise you. You've hurt MY heart, with the concept that the human race has become such a horrible, hurtful, decieving, kniving thing. You are a fucking dispicable human being.
I can honestly say, if it weren't for the love and trust I feel for my boyfriend, and that I can only trust that he feels for me, I would have given up on the concepts of truth and love a long time ago. I had a dream last night, and it was, oddly enough, played out with dolls. I don't know why, I dream really weird. But, in my dream, there was so much deception. I couldn't tell you specifics, because I can hardly remember, but I just remember waking up shaken by the dream. All I remember was things being stolen, and people crying. I guess in my subconcsious mind, I predicted something was going to happen today. Who knows. I just wish something would happen to instill the feeling of REAL love into everyone. I want everyone to have someone, for the pure reason that I want nothing like this to EVER happen to anyone.
And believe me, girl. If I ever come across you, if I ever meet you, [which, i REALLY hope I don't, by the way.] you will severely regret what you've done. Because I will drill it into you how horribly you've fucked up someone's life. And how terrible what you've done is. I hardly know the person you hurt, and maybe I just have too big of a heart, and shouldn't care at all! Maybe none of this is my business. But the moment I heard what you did, it became my fucking business. And I have never been so disgusted with someone in my life. Keep that feeling on your conscience forever, never let what you've done go. And most of all, rot in hell, you wretched whore.
I can only imagine how that someone is feeling right now, and from what I can imagine? I wouldn't wish that feeling upon even my worst enemy. My heart is breaking over what you've done, over the thought that someone could be so cruel. I have to commend you, though. You played him well. You did an amazing job at leading him on. I mean, I have no doubt that you had real feelings for him, believe me, you couldn't fake it that well. But the thought that you would just, fucking break through his ribs, and rip his heart out like that. THAT'S the part I can't comprehend. You couldn't have loved him that much, if you did that.
I know that if I ever did anything like that to my boyfriend, the only person I can completely trust with my life, I would never be able to live with myself. Do you fucking realize that you have not only ruined his emotional life, but that you may have put a fucking felony on him? Do you realize what the FUCK YOU'VE DONE?! How could you...oh my god, girl. I don't know you, I've never even spoken to you, and yet you've left a most bitter taste in my mouth. You've turned my stomach, made me sick. And I despise you. You've hurt MY heart, with the concept that the human race has become such a horrible, hurtful, decieving, kniving thing. You are a fucking dispicable human being.
I can honestly say, if it weren't for the love and trust I feel for my boyfriend, and that I can only trust that he feels for me, I would have given up on the concepts of truth and love a long time ago. I had a dream last night, and it was, oddly enough, played out with dolls. I don't know why, I dream really weird. But, in my dream, there was so much deception. I couldn't tell you specifics, because I can hardly remember, but I just remember waking up shaken by the dream. All I remember was things being stolen, and people crying. I guess in my subconcsious mind, I predicted something was going to happen today. Who knows. I just wish something would happen to instill the feeling of REAL love into everyone. I want everyone to have someone, for the pure reason that I want nothing like this to EVER happen to anyone.
And believe me, girl. If I ever come across you, if I ever meet you, [which, i REALLY hope I don't, by the way.] you will severely regret what you've done. Because I will drill it into you how horribly you've fucked up someone's life. And how terrible what you've done is. I hardly know the person you hurt, and maybe I just have too big of a heart, and shouldn't care at all! Maybe none of this is my business. But the moment I heard what you did, it became my fucking business. And I have never been so disgusted with someone in my life. Keep that feeling on your conscience forever, never let what you've done go. And most of all, rot in hell, you wretched whore.
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