Maybe when the circus comes, I'll buy you bubble gum.

Just the thought of your touch makes me crazy, the mere thought of you leaving, you leaving me, breaks my heart. I'm honestly at a loss for words when I try to imagine life without true love. It's human nature to fall for people, I've fallen before, I've fallen hard before. But in the short amount of time that I've been down after falling, it's never been this impossible to get back up.

I understand that fights are inevitable, but when the arguing flares up, I can't deal with it. I spin into fits of rage, and jealousy, and anxiety. It's physically impossible for me to deal with it in a healthy way, and the way it all stays so tense for the rest of the day, sometimes more, it kills me. I don't understand why I let it happen. I can't help that I'm jealous, and short tempered. But it hurts me that after all you've said, you have such a short fuse for me. I know sometimes It's hard to understand where I'm coming from, because where I come from is sometimes a place, a level you've never seen.

I know that I'm hard to handle at times, I know that I'm selfish, and crazy, and to sum it all up, a bitch. I know that, I'm aware. I judge everyone I come across, 80% of the time, negatively. I mean, I hated you at first. I hated the way you treated me, wanted nothing to do with you. Snap judgement. It's practically my profession. I don't always know how to act, upon meeting people. I'm socially awkward, I'm just generally a not good person, I've been told. But what I appreciate is that you're changing that about me. Most of the time, at least. When I get mad, we both get mad, generally. New things get brought up, and we both get caught up in being so stubborn that neither of us give in. And then we're both assholes. You never admit it, but you know you're a bitch to me sometimes ;). And I'm scared that eventually the fighting will tear us apart. And I know that's something we've talked about, and I know that's something you DON'T want to hear, but it's a fear that I honestly do have. Right up there with clowns and orange. And when you tell me to just, not get mad...you don't seem to understand that it's not that easy. It really isn't. But I'm working on it. Because that fear overpowers everything.

I don't really know how the next year will play out, how much I'll see you, how well everything will hold up. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it to sound bad. I'm just scared of distance, because distance hurts my heart. I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but really, it just tears mine up. I just have so much I want to pour out to you. It's tough to even think of it all. But I'm trying to be honest with you, and help you understand ME. Understand where I come from on everything I say, everything I do, all of my reactions to things. I want to like, list thigns for you. Like, lists of my fears, lists of things that have changed me, people. But I couldn't. I'm just trying not to let you know how scared I am to lose you.

You just said this;
"but if youre just being honest, then i guess i have no choice to figure out what you really think of me :/"
And I told you it wasn't really about you, but now that you said that, I'm gonna tell you about you. Tell you how I feel about you. Good and bad. So here goes.

I'll start off with the fact that I've never met anyone so amazing, so inspiring? almost. I've never been so in love, never knew it was possible. You're a phenomonal person, an artist, and a poet. You're perfect. And the reason you're perfect isn't because you don't have flaws, but it's in the fact that you don't hide them. You lay out your cards, and you're not afraid to show me the real you. No one has ever been straight up REAL with me. I've always been fed sugarcoated versions of the truth, and that's not what you're all about. I'm not saying that you don't make me mad, because sometimes you do. You occasionally have a short temper with me, and it's frustrating. You don't always take things that I say in the way I intend on you taking them. And that makes things get blown out of proportion. But no matter what, it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, you're my perfection.


I really don't have a whole lot left to say.
So, for now, I'm done.
And I love you.