To my sister;;

i hope you know how bitter your name is, and that that it's always on the tip of my tongue. you're a bad breakup, you're my favorite song on a scratched up record. the most beautiful girl, looking down into a shattered mirror, all i can see of myself are scattered pieces. i wouldn't recognize this girl as myself, on a second glance. and like a mirror, the pieces never quite fit back together right. you're my childhood lullaby, sung just out of key. just enough to ruin something perfect, something soothing, something that calms me out of my tears. we do it so we can feel, so we can take control. your drug of choice is the taste of your insides, mine is the pictures i draw on my own, personal canvas. something that will last, they're marks of ourselves. we know it's killing us, but it's so beautiful. you do know you're dying, don't you?

we layed there, and the rain was spitting itself out at my window, two different views. it calmed you down, soothed you to sleep, it kept me up, made me cry. but i watched you lie still, slid my hand into yours, and counted your breaths. i watched your body shiver, and twitch, in your sleep, watched words form on your lips as you murmured in your sleep that you loved me too. somewhere in the back of your dead asleep mind, you heard me say it. you just wanted to let me know you weren't ignoring it, even subconsciously.

we walked around town like we owned the place, walked the halls of the old school, didn't take anything from anyone. we talked back to those of authority, didn't care what people thought as we walked around like we were lovers. because somewhere, in some strange way, we were. we held each other in bed, kept each other warm, whispered in each others ears "i love you'' and that all would be okay. we were lovers. no, we weren't in love. we weren't lovers. we were best friends. we were sisters. we were inseparable.

or, at least, i thought so?

now your name carves holes into my flesh, writes words onto my skin. it prevents food from entering my lips, pulls hair from my head, bites every nail down to it's bleeding point. it pinches, and punches bruises onto my legs. it's killing me, it's tearing me apart. it's making me someone i never wanted to be again. does it hurt you to know that you've betrayed me? just like so many before you, you've taken words i've entrusted in you, and thrown them aside like they were crumpled up letters. like they were letters i wrote you, that needed to be tossed out, because they reminded you too much of yourself. i scared you away. and now i can only hope you'll heal in time, without me holding your hand, i hope you'll be able to cross the street by yourself, and make it to the other side alive.

just know, i loved you then, and i love you now.