do you believe you're missing out,
that everything good is happening somewhere else?


intolerable, unfair and bored.
i'm selfish, i'm a bitch, and i'm hateful sometimes. it's hard to deal with, being me. i have maybe 3 real friends, people who can handle me, and yet, I still only see one of them on a very regular basis. Should I take it as a sign? As a way people are telling me they don't want to be around me? Becuase I do. I take it that way, like there's some defect about me.

There are points in life in which we realize that life is, despite all we may otherwise think, not about us. There are six billion, eight hundred and ninety seven million, five hundred and seventy three thousand, and six hundred people populating this earth. To be honest, only about 0.0000014 percent of those people would even notice, or care if you died. Thats about a hundred people.

How will you leave your mark on the world, when those hundred people find out you've gone? Will people look back on you and remember you fondly, or will they only see on the negative? There's a constant longing among us to strive for social approval, simply to make people like us. It won't always work, but we'll push our goddamned hardest to try and make it happen at some point in life. We'll say things we don't mean just to make someone think just a little bit better of us, pretend to care about something that we honestly just don't give a shit about. Just for that approval. In actuality, does it really matter? It's all to try and up that 0.0000014 percent, that one hundred people, just a little bit.

When you get down to it, there's no point to any of it, the 'moral' of the story is that, you live, you die, and very rarely, someone is remembered for what they've done. It's quite admirable if you pull it off somehow, and if you do, please. Find a way to let me know how you did it, from beyond the grave, or whatever. The truth is, we really don't have any idea as to what's going on in the world around us, outside of our little bubble. I mean, yeah. We've got the news, and we can see pictures, and maybe some of you might be lucky enough to even go elsewhere, and encounter different people, different cultures and religions, and see, firsthand, how they live. But really, you can't understand how someone else lives, unless you take off your shoes, humble up, and step into theirs for a while.

It's impossible to know how someone will react to something, differently than you. You can't feel anyone elses heart speed up from outside of them, you can't help someone catch their breath, or calm their mind completely. It takes them, and them alone, to be able to change themselves how they want to.

Beauty?

I waited for you today, but you didn't show. I needed you today, so where did you go? You told me to call; you said you'd be there. And though I haven't seen you, are you still there? I cried out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side, so I'll hold tight to what I know. You're here and I'm never alone. And though I can not see you, and I can't explain why; such a deep, deep reassurance you've placed in my life. We cannot separate because you're part of me, and though you're invisible, I'll trust the unseen.

I miss feeling loved by something higher. I miss the feeling of peace that I had when I was younger, when I was able to put faith in something wholeheartedly, to never doubt myself, or my god. To be able to sing out, to cry to someone higher, and know that that calm would soon rush over me, would take care of me when even the people I loved most weren't quite able to do so. I know it's terrible that I've turned my back on faith, on religion, but for some reason, there's nothing that motivates me to go back. The way I see it, if there was a god, he wouldn't put me through all this. He wouldn't make me suffer. Wouldn't let me suffer. But then again, I must be here for a reason, I have to be. Because why else would I have such a constant longing to help people? To want to be that shoulder to cry on, even when it's denied, even when it's pushed away and turned against. And I know that even if that happens, I still have that burning in my heart to never give up. To never turn my back on those people that I love. Maybe that's what whoever this ..being is, that everyone calls god, maybe that's what he does. Maybe I'm taking on the qualities of that god. For as long as I can remember, I've been involved in a familiar church, with people I grew up with, or a new church when I moved, or just church activities that I've always been involved in. I used to be so into it, pouring myself into it, and enjoying it. But now, I still go to church every Sunday, but it's just like a ritual. It's just going through the motions, and even if I sit and listen intently, I take nothing from it. Does that make me a terrible person? Will I go to 'hell' if there is such a place? I don't want that, there is no way I want that. But even still, that risk doesn't push me enough to want to put faith in anything enough to actually fully do it. Ugh.

And for fuck's sake, I need something to believe in now more than ever. When I feel like my life is falling apart, when I hate everything about myself, when I can't hardly look at myself without wanting to step on a scale to see how much weight I've gained and hate myself more. It's like I crave more self-loathing, like I thrive on it. Because it's something to work towards, no matter how much it harms my body. It's that urge to starve for just one more day, the urge to lose just a few more pounds, always wanting to lose just two more pounds, just three more, just five more, just ten more. I want my body to waste away, I want things to shut down so that my body deteriorates, eats itself away to be skinnier, tinier. Everyone tells me I'm tiny all the time, that I don't need to lose any weight, that my body is perfect. Maybe it is. Maybe it DOES look good. But it's not good enough for ME. It will never be good enough for me, in my eyes. I want to be model thin, back in the day when it was considered beautiful for every bone to stick out, for limbs to look stick thin, breakable at any moment. It's just beautiful, to me. It's perfection in my eyes. And something that I will always strive for. I love when people tell me I'm thin, it makes me feel pretty. Don't get me wrong, I like it. And it does help. It makes me feel as though something I'm doing is working. But at the same time, it pushes me to want to become MORE perfect, more pretty. Oh well, I suppose I'll have to keep trying.

To my sister;;

i hope you know how bitter your name is, and that that it's always on the tip of my tongue. you're a bad breakup, you're my favorite song on a scratched up record. the most beautiful girl, looking down into a shattered mirror, all i can see of myself are scattered pieces. i wouldn't recognize this girl as myself, on a second glance. and like a mirror, the pieces never quite fit back together right. you're my childhood lullaby, sung just out of key. just enough to ruin something perfect, something soothing, something that calms me out of my tears. we do it so we can feel, so we can take control. your drug of choice is the taste of your insides, mine is the pictures i draw on my own, personal canvas. something that will last, they're marks of ourselves. we know it's killing us, but it's so beautiful. you do know you're dying, don't you?

we layed there, and the rain was spitting itself out at my window, two different views. it calmed you down, soothed you to sleep, it kept me up, made me cry. but i watched you lie still, slid my hand into yours, and counted your breaths. i watched your body shiver, and twitch, in your sleep, watched words form on your lips as you murmured in your sleep that you loved me too. somewhere in the back of your dead asleep mind, you heard me say it. you just wanted to let me know you weren't ignoring it, even subconsciously.

we walked around town like we owned the place, walked the halls of the old school, didn't take anything from anyone. we talked back to those of authority, didn't care what people thought as we walked around like we were lovers. because somewhere, in some strange way, we were. we held each other in bed, kept each other warm, whispered in each others ears "i love you'' and that all would be okay. we were lovers. no, we weren't in love. we weren't lovers. we were best friends. we were sisters. we were inseparable.

or, at least, i thought so?

now your name carves holes into my flesh, writes words onto my skin. it prevents food from entering my lips, pulls hair from my head, bites every nail down to it's bleeding point. it pinches, and punches bruises onto my legs. it's killing me, it's tearing me apart. it's making me someone i never wanted to be again. does it hurt you to know that you've betrayed me? just like so many before you, you've taken words i've entrusted in you, and thrown them aside like they were crumpled up letters. like they were letters i wrote you, that needed to be tossed out, because they reminded you too much of yourself. i scared you away. and now i can only hope you'll heal in time, without me holding your hand, i hope you'll be able to cross the street by yourself, and make it to the other side alive.

just know, i loved you then, and i love you now.

It's just heartburn.

It makes my heart hurt. Don't tell me you doubt that I love you. Don't even HINT towards it. Don't try and drill it into my heart, it fucking kills me. It cuts out chunks of my heart, and throws them in a blender.



Fuck it.

Don't play games with me, I'm a sore loser, and I always make the game less fun.

Maybe when the circus comes, I'll buy you bubble gum.

Just the thought of your touch makes me crazy, the mere thought of you leaving, you leaving me, breaks my heart. I'm honestly at a loss for words when I try to imagine life without true love. It's human nature to fall for people, I've fallen before, I've fallen hard before. But in the short amount of time that I've been down after falling, it's never been this impossible to get back up.

I understand that fights are inevitable, but when the arguing flares up, I can't deal with it. I spin into fits of rage, and jealousy, and anxiety. It's physically impossible for me to deal with it in a healthy way, and the way it all stays so tense for the rest of the day, sometimes more, it kills me. I don't understand why I let it happen. I can't help that I'm jealous, and short tempered. But it hurts me that after all you've said, you have such a short fuse for me. I know sometimes It's hard to understand where I'm coming from, because where I come from is sometimes a place, a level you've never seen.

I know that I'm hard to handle at times, I know that I'm selfish, and crazy, and to sum it all up, a bitch. I know that, I'm aware. I judge everyone I come across, 80% of the time, negatively. I mean, I hated you at first. I hated the way you treated me, wanted nothing to do with you. Snap judgement. It's practically my profession. I don't always know how to act, upon meeting people. I'm socially awkward, I'm just generally a not good person, I've been told. But what I appreciate is that you're changing that about me. Most of the time, at least. When I get mad, we both get mad, generally. New things get brought up, and we both get caught up in being so stubborn that neither of us give in. And then we're both assholes. You never admit it, but you know you're a bitch to me sometimes ;). And I'm scared that eventually the fighting will tear us apart. And I know that's something we've talked about, and I know that's something you DON'T want to hear, but it's a fear that I honestly do have. Right up there with clowns and orange. And when you tell me to just, not get mad...you don't seem to understand that it's not that easy. It really isn't. But I'm working on it. Because that fear overpowers everything.

I don't really know how the next year will play out, how much I'll see you, how well everything will hold up. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it to sound bad. I'm just scared of distance, because distance hurts my heart. I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but really, it just tears mine up. I just have so much I want to pour out to you. It's tough to even think of it all. But I'm trying to be honest with you, and help you understand ME. Understand where I come from on everything I say, everything I do, all of my reactions to things. I want to like, list thigns for you. Like, lists of my fears, lists of things that have changed me, people. But I couldn't. I'm just trying not to let you know how scared I am to lose you.

You just said this;
"but if youre just being honest, then i guess i have no choice to figure out what you really think of me :/"
And I told you it wasn't really about you, but now that you said that, I'm gonna tell you about you. Tell you how I feel about you. Good and bad. So here goes.

I'll start off with the fact that I've never met anyone so amazing, so inspiring? almost. I've never been so in love, never knew it was possible. You're a phenomonal person, an artist, and a poet. You're perfect. And the reason you're perfect isn't because you don't have flaws, but it's in the fact that you don't hide them. You lay out your cards, and you're not afraid to show me the real you. No one has ever been straight up REAL with me. I've always been fed sugarcoated versions of the truth, and that's not what you're all about. I'm not saying that you don't make me mad, because sometimes you do. You occasionally have a short temper with me, and it's frustrating. You don't always take things that I say in the way I intend on you taking them. And that makes things get blown out of proportion. But no matter what, it doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, you're my perfection.


I really don't have a whole lot left to say.
So, for now, I'm done.
And I love you.

I'm nothing special, I'm not model pretty, I don't have some crazy amazing body, I'm not really good at anything. I'm short, really self concious, and even more socially awkward. But to be completely honest, I'm pretty happy with my life, I'm not gonna lie. I have a boyfriend who accepts that I'm not a perfect 10, a family who supports me like crazy, and friends who can always make me smile, no matter what the situation.

I've recently stumbled upon a girl that I guess I've known for a while, and her life is showing me how grateful I am for the one I live. She happens to be dating one of my best friends, and it hurts me to see what she's doing to him, and her family. She has an ex boyfriend, named Zac. The thing is, Zac doesn't really understand that they're broken up, led on in part by the fact that she never really told him. He, in turn, wants to literally kill John, the current boyfriend. Zac has everyone in cotrol, he even controls her parents to the point where she can't go anywhere without his permission. Her parents have to watch her call him, and ask if it's okay. Everyone involved in the situation is getting hurt, all because of a gigantic misunderstanding.


Anyway.
I love my life, yeah, it has it's ups and downs, but for the most part, I've been dealt some pretty fucking good cards.

I mean, yeah, I get scared about things a lot, concerning my future, but that's normal. Big steps are scary, they're something big to deal with.

I'm bored of writing.

Love.

I want to wake up next to him every single morning, I want to kiss his face every moment of my existance. I was born to tell him I love him, and live in perfection with him forever. I dreamed, when I was little, of my wedding. I would act it out every single day, when I played with Barbies. I imagined the man I would fall in love with, far in my future, to be tall and able to just devour me in a hug. As I grew older, I began to find interest in boys, outside of my fantasy groom. I started to notice those certain boys when I would go to the mall with friends, and eventually, it went to the point of meeting, and dating them. The first awkward kiss, it was the best moment of my life, every single time. That first kiss with those boys sent a chill down my spine, made me want to rewind time and make it perfect.

Farther down the line, farther went my limits. When kissing and holding hands turned into creeping fingers, and clothes coming off, that's when I found those feelings, those feelings that during that passionate, hot moment, nothing really matters but that one person. That that moment can give you such a false sense of reality, a false sense of emotion, almost.

So many people don't realize that everything comes down to love. I mean, when you imagine your life, what do you think? Because as far as I know, most people think of it as some sort of scenario like this;

They'll live their adolecsence, go through the dating stages, the awkward kisses, the harsh breakups, the rebounds, and everything that goes along with that. Eventually they will meet the person of their dreams, and know at that moment that they want to spend the rest of their life with that person. Eventually they will settle down and get married, and have children, if that's how they want to live. If that marraige goes successfully, they'll live through the fights, and the inevitable things that come along with marraige. If it fails, then comes divorce. And if they fall in love with someone else, it begins again.

So really, life comes down to love. Life comes down to whether or not you find love, whether or not you pursue that love, and no matter who you are, that's how it will go. I don't care if you're ugly, gorgeous, fat, skinny, or anything else. That's how it will go.

I have devoted my life to love, and I know how I want my life to play out. I know the face I want to wake up next to every morning, I know the person I want to grow old with, and have children with, and be in love with. It's a scary thought, though, because who knows if it will play out like that? All I know is that that's all I want in life. He is all I want in life.


To end this, I'll just say that I fucking love you, with all my heart. I don't know if you'll end up reading this, but if you do, I want you to know that I will fight through anything to be with you. Because you are my fucking everything. Every moment I've spent with you is fresh in my mind, and every touch, every kiss, every emotion I've ever felt? That is all I want. I want nothing more than I want you in my life. Nothing more than to live out my childhood, Barbie fantasy with you. I want to wake up next to you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.